I lay my head down to fall asleep
I close my eyes, and the voices start to speak
They create images in my head that are so vivid, so real
I just want them to be quiet and leave me alone
With my eyes still closed, my thoughts just roam
Like a merry-go-round of disarray and misery
Spinning and spinning, round and round, a constant whiplash injury
They go from dreadful to abominable, all completely unbalanced
As if they have no direction, as if they are lost
Lost on the worries, lost on fears
I try to change the direction, if only they’d adhere
Thoughts of joy and magic change to scenarios of the death of my loved ones in just seconds
My own mind is a weapon
And it is against me
Scattered, shattered, and disassembled
I am a jigsaw puzzle, and I am missing my own pieces
Wandering around blind, trying to find what already exists inside
Peace, love, care, and joy
I know they exist up there, somewhere
In the mess that is my mind, the inability to find
The disassembled pieces of my life, slowly leading me to the afterlife
The unexplainable taunting of the voices in my head, I feel as though I’m on my deathbed
The imagery of every fear coming true, playing on repeat
The only thing louder than the voices is my heartbeat, sounding louder than a drumbeat
I can feel it in my chest, I can feel it in my throat
If only there was an antidote
For this repeat misery
For these restless nights
But the recipe is inside of me
I just have to keep searching,
But everything is astray, forever unable to be found
These thoughts consume me
The voices take over
What if I never get free?
A poem, by Katherine Estelle
