Sometimes I wish you were stubborn and told me no.
Told me it was just me having another episode.
Took my phone, blocked that dumb kids number, and told me no.
Told me to just wait a little while.
Told me that it’s just my mind fucking with me.
Told me to wait a week.
To see if I feel the same.
I wished you were on board with me getting help without medication.
They diagnosed me with bipolar 1 disorder.
ADD bipolar 1 disorder actually.
That’s not valid at all, but that’s why
they were giving me the medication they were giving me.
That’s why I felt nothing when we broke up.
That’s why I didn’t cry.
That’s why I didn’t fight.
That’s why I didn’t try.
I stopped taking medication and I felt my mind go clear.
I stopped everything I was doing.
Ended it all.
I felt everything so deeply.
And I hated it.
Because I knew what I had done.
And I knew I couldn’t take it back.
I literally should not have been able to make any decisions while under the
influence of mind numbing prescriptions.
It was alerting my brain chemistry during a manic episode.
No wonder why I was so fucked up.
I wouldn’t have done that to you.
Didn’t I just hold you while you cried?
Didn’t I just refuse to leave your house to you wouldn’t hurt yourself?
Why then would you let me just leave?
Why block me?
I wanted to fight.
But I couldn’t.
I literally didn’t have the ability or energy.
It shouldn’t have all been on you.
I know that.
And I’m not blaming you for not fighting hard enough.
I just wish I waited just a few days.
I wish people supported my non-medicated recovery.
Because I want to recognize my cycles and get help from a therapist who actually wants to help my trauma.
This can help my BPD and PTSD and in the end, help control my bipolar disorder.
I can do this.
I know I can.
People just need to believe in me more.
Because for the first time ever, I believe in myself.
There is nobody here pointing out my flaws or telling me I can’t do this.
Except maybe my therapist.
Who doesn’t think I am benefiting from group therapy at all and wants me to leave.
So, I am waiting on a call back from someone on a date within the next 2 weeks to speak to a really good trauma therapist.
I can do this.
I’m so sorry I didn’t wait longer to make such a huge decision.
I thought the therapist just wanted us to take a break.
It’s been so long now.
It’s been a break.
Can we end this now?
Can we end this break?
Because if we don’t, I feel like I might break.
Written by: Katherine Estelle