You’re so close to me.
But it feels like your miles away.
My heart is racing so fast, it feels like it has stopped.
I can’t tell if I want to cry or kill somebody.
Or hurt myself.
Who am I angry at?
Am I angry at myself for fucking this up?
Am I angry at them for lying to me?
Am I angry at you for not trying harder to keep me?
Who am I mad at?
My head is spinning.
My palms are sweaty.
I can barley see.
Tunnel vision is a bitch.
I’m sick to my stomach and I gave you my last Zofran.
All I want to do is tell you that I will wait for you.
But I feel like that’s the last thing you want to hear.
I’m so cold but im sweating.
I want to curl up in a ball on this couch and not wake up until your gone.
But I can’t watch you leave again.
I am going to break, watching you walk out that door again.
I shouldn’t have let you leave.
I’m so stupid.
I’m nauseated.
Panicked.
This nitro cold brew is going to waste.
There is no way I’ll be able to drink this when my heart is already beating too fast.
Talk about including a panic attack.
Or in this case, a heart attack.
Your in the other room, and all I can picture is you smiling with another person.
Wondering what she’s saying to get you to smile.
Wondering how much fun you all had last night to the point where I was literally forced to sleep somewhere I didn’t wanna sleep because I was told not to come back.
To them take my time coming back
this morning because I got told you were still here.
Getting kind of excited that I got to see you, but immediately nervous and sick.
I felt sudden deja vu.
Not sure where it was coming from.
I miss being the one to make you laugh.
I miss that feeling of happiness you used to give me just by sitting next to me.
Knowing I have a safe place to rest my head.
Even if it didn’t need rest.
I can’t stand this.
My heart can’t take much more.
I want to hide downstairs and cry until you leave, but it seems as though you are not in any condition to head out any time soon.
Also, I enjoy seeing you.
Looking at you.
Even if it hurts my heart.
And my intestines.
Because it indeed is hurting both.
I just want my vision back.
Not even sure I could make it down the stairs in this condition.
I hate this feeling of not knowing what to do.
I just want to play with your hair and tell you it’ll be okay.
The Zofran will hit soon and you will
feel better.
But that’s not my job anymore.
It seems to me that you’ve moved on.
From me.
From us.
Yet you wear the bracelet I got you.
On a “date”.
I looked for the necklace and ring you got me last night because I missed you so much and wanted to feel closer to you.
All I have is the mermaid knife we won together at the arcade in Myrtle Beach.
I fell asleep holding onto it a few times.
I hate that missing you isn’t enough to
get you back.
All I can do is continue to show you that I am here.
Available.
Waiting for you.
Not fucking up.
Not doing drugs.
Not having sex.
Not seeing anyone.
Because this time, this time feels different.
It is a new feeling of control that I’ve never had before.
I am not sure if I would call it self-control, or a new kind of control.
But it is a form I am new too.
I enjoy it, though.
Maybe this is what I was missing all along.
That voice inside of me that would stop me from doing something bad out of anger, hurt, spite.
I don’t want to do anything that might hurt you, even if we are not together.
If I only I had this feeling in 2018.
It could have saved me from some of the darkest parts of myself.
Those parts can’t be with me forever.
That’s not possible.
You said you were dissapointed.
If you only knew, if you only read anything I’ve been saying to you.
I’m being good.
I’m being such a good girl.
Behaving never felt so free.
Usually fucking up and making mistakes are just what I do to get over you or to get over the hurt of losing you.
Because it is my way of self-destructing.
But this time, other than taking it out on myself, I am realizing nobody is worthy of me.
Not because I am amazing, but because you took such good care of me and loved every inch of me, that I can’t imagine letting anybody get that close.
Never again.
I don’t want anyone’s lips.
Or body.
Clothes look horrible on everybody.
There’s something wrong with everybody.
It feels like I am D-sexual all over again.
Like the entire world looks so unworthy when compared to you.
Now I feel as though, they are unworthy.
I don’t want to replace you.
I don’t want anyone but you.
I knew this all along, but for some reason, my mind convinces me different.
I don’t know why I let it.
Life is never better without you.
This time, I didn’t want to self destruct.
I didn’t want to give myself away to anybody.
I still don’t want too.
Because I want you.
You need to know this.
That I have it figured out this time.
I know my cycles.
You’re the only consistent thing in my life and I will give anything and anyone to get you to believe that.
I read every message from Instagram between us.
I remember everything.
Everything that I forgot.
Written by: Katherine Estelle