Addiction takes more of a toll on you than you think.
Your sleep patterns.
Your logic.
Your perspective on life.
Your ability to think straight.
Your care for anything else.
Just wanting to finish it so it’s the only way you’ll stop.
4am. Again.
Eventually, you run out of things to do.
Not because there is nothing to do.
But because people are asleep.
But because I’m too exhausted to do things yet too wired to sleep.
I get so much done.
But it numbs my emotions.
Which isn’t always a bad thing, when my emotions are always a roller coaster.
It’s nice to hit pause.
But not for this long.
Not for this many hours.
Not when I have responsibilities.
Now when I need to be awake, alert, and parental in only a few hours.
I tried to sleep.
Laid there. Eyes closed. Focusing on my breathing.
I’m unsure of how much time went by.
I had to use to bathroom.
So I got up, and ended up doing more.
I was already up anyway.
Why not?
I had a million reasons not too.
Only one reason to do it.
Addiction.
That’s literally it.
Is it fun?
Not really.
Doing it is fun, but the effects aren’t “fun”.
It stays too long.
I go non verbal.
Yeah, I get a lot done.
Clean, art, organize…I get nothing done sober.
My issue? I don’t just stop.
I can’t.
I try.
I think about it.
I stare at it.
“I don’t need it”
“I don’t even want it”
“I’m so tired”
“I just wanna go to bed”
None of it matters.
Because, addiction.
Addiction wins every time.
Wish someone could just knock me out.
My goal was before midnight.
4:25. Once I run out, I’ll have no choice.
For awhile anyway.
No idea how I’ll beat this.
Not one clue.