The tears behind my eyes start to make me smile.
I wonder if this is a good thing, or a bad thing.
I wonder if I should let it happen.
I remember what happened last time.
Can I allow this to happen again?
Can I allow this to happen without hurting them?
Can I control it?
Will I remember it?
The tears fade and only a smile remains.
Music blaring, songs from my past.
Screaming, yelling, pain, memories.
They are no longer feelings.
They are now images in my head.
They play over and over again in my head.
Normally, they scare me.
They make me sad.
Now they come with no emotion.
The images play back in my head like an old movie.
Like I only watched them from the third person.
They are no longer experiences, they are movies.
I smile as goosebumps arise on my arms.
Allowing the feeling to take control, allowing myself to surrender.
Goosebumps on my thighs, my torso, my neck.
It’s euphoric.
I never want it to end.
I know it has too, that is the downfall of self-awareness.
Knowing this is temporary only makes me want to indulge in it more.
Enjoy every moment of it.
Live in the moment, don’t think about tomorrow.
Don’t wonder about the next hour.
Right now, what do you want?
Do it.
No thinking, no feeling, just a thought and an action.
It is as simple as that.
I close my eyes, I smile, and I allow the entirety of the euphoria to hit me all at once.
Like a natural drug in my body, filled with endorphins, serotinin, oxytocin, dopamine…
It is like I get a rush from all of them all at once and it happens so suddenly.
Fear disappears.
Empathy gets turned off.
I feel nothing but pleasure and I avoid anything that may lessen it.
Nature is more detailed, the moon is brighter, blankets are softer, my skin is like porcelain…
Breathing is easier, like the weight has finally been lifted from my chest.
Hopeless no longer exists, everything is possible.
Some people may find my attitude…conflicting.
Self-centered, self-absorbed, narcissistic…to name a few.
But when you spend most of the months hating everything about yourself…
The few moments I have where I feel like this…
I need to take them.
I need to accept them.
Because these are the only moments where I truly accept me.
All of me.
No mask, the mask is burned.
I am just me.
Simply me.
Bad, worse, horrible, vile, terrible.
Good, kind, caring, loving.
I am everything and nothing all at once.
I am whole, finally.
A poem: Katherine Estelle
I Love getting glimpse into your world, as it also give me a glimpse into some of my repressed memories. As well as confirming my recent feelings and desires.
I LOVE THIS
Thank you so much!