Living with Borderline Personality Disorder can be hard, especially when I tend to be really venerable to what others think and say. Maybe it is simply the fact that with BPD, I think others are more worthy than me, therefore, their word means more than my own.
I used to do this thing when I was younger…if there was someone that I noticed a lot of people liked or admired, I wanted to be like that person. Which means, I needed to be that person’s friend, to get to know them. Not only would I want to be their friend, I would want more than that. I thought…that if I slept with this person, that would mean I won. I got somebody super popular, somebody super popular wanted me. It made me feel so wanted, in a way that I thought I wanted to be wanted. Obviously, sleeping with someone did not mean they loved me or even liked me. It means that I was attractive and they wanted to have sex with me. If only I knew this when I was younger…but someone close to me literally only brought this to my attention a few days ago, and it got me thinking.
If nobody liked me for me, and they only liked me for who they thought I was acting like, which honestly, in our case, people with BPD I mean, could be a different person every week…they did not like me for ME. Who was I?
This question only added to my exestential crisis of my identity.
It wasn’t even just that I would get close to people I wanted to be like, I thought that by taking on these personality traits that others liked, it would genuinely work and make me likeable. Why would somebody want to hang out with you if you had nothing in common? I HAD to like that TV show, I HAD to enjoy that meal, I HAD to listen to that band and memorize the lyrics. However…years later, and I still wasn’t liked, because I was not acting like me. I forgot to act like me, and I had to make a list of consistencies in my life and personality to even figure myself out. Do you even know how many shows I watched and pretended to laugh, the songs I heard and never truly enjoyed, the places I went and I pretended like I was having a good time, but the only thing that really made me happy, was the attention I was getting, but that was short lived. I still had to go home, and be alone, with just me, myself, and I. THAT is when I knew who I truly was.
My point is, all those years of acting like other people, it did change me, but did it make me a better person? Did it make me likeable? What even is likeable? I decided that being likeable didn’t matter…if I didn’t like myself. I would just keep wanting to change, keep wanting to be like other people.
Then one day…I stopped seeing people I wanted to be like. I realized that I no longer wanted to be like these people in my life, and 2020 helped push that situation because I was already around less people and it gave me a reason to avoid people and be…myself. I no longer was taking things from other people, because I was not around other people. I was also older, and this diagnosis does get better with age and wisdom.
I wanted to write this blog because I was watching this silly Hallmark movie on TV and it was about journalists and bloggers, and it reminded me that I do in fact have a blog. It also reminded me…that I enjoy writing. Which made me think, am I only wanting to write this blog because I am seeing a movie about it? Am I only wanting to write because I see others that are good at it and getting paid for it, and that motivated me enough to open my laptop and start writing? Is it motivation or that impressionable side of me? Do I really want to write a blog or do I only want to do it because I get easily sucked into movies and TV show characters and want to be more like them? Does it matter?
Did I mention I have anxiety and panic disorder as well, or was that obvious? *chuckles to self*
That one single paragraph, of course, happened in my mind within seconds. I wondered if this was my BPD again, because I ALWAYS get obsessed with celebrities because they are easily likable. But that is the act they put on…they are ACTORS. In any movie they play, they need to act like they are having the time of their lives at this job. That this job is perfect and oh my goodness it is just their favorite thing in the world. Next thing we know, we are in college for that same job in real life because of an actor. Not saying that is what I did, but TV did make Criminal Justice sound awesome and now I am getting a BA Degree in it and don’t think I’ll have the stomach to actually use it.
It is just television. They are just celebrities. So, is it okay to want to be like them? Are they motivating small town people like us to do better and be better? Is it motivation? Or again, am I simply being mesmerized by this fake life they are portraying for me?
Is it my illness, that will forever define my life for me based on what I see on TV? Because…I will never have that Hallmark life. It’s silly. I am more of a soap opera anyway.
Is it the worst thing, though? To want to dream? To be better than I am? To have multiple aspirations at once? Life is not a video game, nor is it a movie, or a TV series…we can live it anyway we want. Who is to say we can not live like a celebrity? Just….a celebrity that nobody knows, and doesn’t get stalked with cameras. Be your own celebrity.
I love writing…just me. Always have, it has been a consistent in my life since I was younger. The movie made me wonder what it would be like to be a famous writer, a famous blogger, a novelist…but those can be real dreams and they can be aspirations too.
I decided not to care where I got my motivation from. I am going to take it and concur it, and make it my own. The one thing I need to make sure I do however, is to give credit to whomever I got that motivation from. That will be my second part of this blog post.
If you do something and act like you came up with it on your own, you may forget what really motivated you. People like to be given credit, don’t you? Whether it is a silly Hallmark movie or it is your friend from school, whether you saw a funny post on Facebook and it inspired you to make a post yourself, credit should be given where credit is due. Remembering where you got your ideas is a huge step in the right direction, especially when you have any type of personality disorder. It helps to keep you “you”, without blurring the lines.
If you made a funny joke, and somebody laughed and then told other people that joke, without saying “So and so told this joke the other day so here it goes”. When they say that joke, that is the same as them acting as if it was their own joke. People like to be given credit. So, if you watched a movie and got an amazing outift idea, just say “I was watching this show, with so and so in it, and she wore this amazing outfit, and it gave me the idea make something similar!” Simple, right? Same thing if you learned something from somebody like a friend or family member, you can get your motivation literally anywhere, but it is good to remember where you got it from and give that thing or person or television show credit.
This also helps with BPD and other disorders that may make you more impressionable. You never want to take somebody else’s personality, you want to be yourself. That may seem difficult at times, but just stay mindful and if you plan to dress up like somebody or tell a joke somebody told you, giving credit to others helps make you remember who you really are. We sometimes get lost in ourselves and don’t even realize what we are doing, that is where our “personality disorder” comes in. We take traits from others without even meaning too, simply because we enjoy those traits or we admire them in some way. The problem is, if we are just taking traits from other people all the time, are you really that person? And even worse, what are those people now that you’ve taken all their traits? You are your own person, just like they are their own person. Knowing who you are takes self-awareness.
If you do not know who you are, well, that is a huge reason why we get the diagnosis of BPD. We have a “loss of self” as mentioned on my medical chart. You know what really helped? Giving credit to others.
So, who am I now? I am Katherine. I am 28. I have a college degree that taught me way more than I would have ever thought I’d learn. I obsessed with all things The Vampire Diaries, I am a true believer in all things magick, I do have severe anxiety and a fear of fear that I have yet to overcome, but that is just my next side quest. I am a writer. I am an artist. I do not like adult cartoons and my personality will never fit into one single category. I am okay with all of that. I am clingy and loveable but very deep and sometimes hard to understand. That is okay, because that is just me. That is nobody else, that is just me. I will never force myself to like something that I just don’t like. I am an introvert, and I do not need to fake happy out in public just to be liked. I don’t care what you think, judge me because I am sitting alone at a bar on my phone scrolling Facebook, why am I even here? Just accept who you are. Don’t worry about others. Because the more you worry about others, the more you will forget who YOU are and what makes YOU truly happy.
My diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder has almost been completely expunged off my record and undiagnosed because of how far I’ve come on my mental health journey. I have also gotten rid of my ADHD diagnosis as well. You can do this. A majority of BPD is just a giant trauma response and when you focus and heal your trauma, you will slowly remember you are.
You got this.
Written by: Katherine Estelle.